Kick-Ass Review

I know it's been a while since the last write up, but allow me to make it up to you with this kick-ass review which, as it turns out, is not that great; the movie, that is. The review is great. So read along, won't you, as I narrow-mindedly condemn the film for not being exactly like the graphic novel which I just so happen to be giving away to one lucky reader.

Dave Lizewski is a New York teenager who lives with his father, his mother having died a few years ago from a brain aneurism. Dave's existence is unremarkable and typical of a gen Y teen; he goes to high school, lusts after girls, masturbates, plays video games, masturbates, reads comics, masturbates, has an internet dependency and wears his hair like a douche. Did I mention that he masturbates a lot? ‘cos they really emphasise this fact, so it must be important.⁺Maybe that's his superpower.  Unsatisfied by the mundane life that lay ahead of him and inspired by the comic books that he spends so much time reading, Dave begins to fantasise about being a costumed hero in the real world; no super powers, just good intentions.

After being the victim of yet another mugging while a bystander neglects to intervene, Dave finally has enough motivation to become an agent of justice. So, rather than change his diet, beginning an exercise regime or learning a martial art, he buys a wetsuit on eBay and jumps around in front of the mirror. After a period of playing dress-up on a regular basis, Dave is passing through the back lot where he was mugged and encounters the very same muggers; only this time they are breaking into a car instead of mugging teens that aren't smart enough to be packing Tasers.⁺Taser! Taser! Taser! Deploy!  He confronts the thieves, who aren't exactly the shortest guys you'll meet, and to say that he comes off second best would be the understatement of the year. By my count, he should have died twice.
After this painful brush with death, Dave hangs up his wetsuit for good and goes back to leading a normal life. I heard he married a rich girl. Good for him.

Kick-Ass   a.k.a. Dave Lizewski is played by Aaron Johnson   for some reason. Sadly, the average-looking, blonde-haired pocket-rocket from the comic is portrayed by this tall, mop-headed, pretty-boy douche   . At least they remembered to give him glasses. Ever since I saw this guy in the trailer, I didn't like him. I'm talking Dakota Fanning levels of dislike. And this was before I'd read the comic, so it's not as if hated him just because he was different. I found the Dave Lizewski from the comic book to be far more likeable and relatable than his big screen counterpart.⁺Kick-Ass > Kick-Ass  Here's a little something the internet told me about Aaron Johnson's personal life: This 19 year old actor is engaged to 43 year old director Sam Taylor-Wood whose ex-husband has allegedly hooked up with Lily Allen. But this is just a fling, right? Wrong. Aaron and Sam have already formed babby.

Hit Girl   a.k.a. Mindy Macready is played by Chloe "Get ready to start seeing me everywhere" Moretz   and I don't think it's an understatement to say that she makes the film. Why? Because she plays an 11 year old (10, in the comic) girl who destroys bad guys like she's a cyborg programmed by John Woo. This girl is a tornado of blades and bullets. If you see Hit-Girl and live to tell the tale, buy a lottery ticket. Since the age of 5, young Mindy has been trained by her father to be a ruthless, foul mouthed killing machine. The movie makes a few missteps which the comic manages to avoid, most noteworthy: that fucking wig. But all in all, I like this Hit-Girl.⁺brb Just setting a timer for February 10th, 2015 

What's Kick-Ass doing with that shotgun?

Big Daddy   a.k.a. Damon Macready is played by my favourite over-actor, Nicolas Cage   . Damon is a man unhinged enough to cash in his daughters childhood in exchange for a side-kick that is a loyal as she is deadly.⁺a lot  You do not want to fuck with this guy. Damon has one objective and one objective only: Destroy mob boss Frank D'Amiko , the tunk responsible for his unjust incarceration and the resulting death of his wife. In the comic, Big-Daddy is a stern character, built like an oak and you could hardly call his outfit a "costume". The movie has him impersonating Ned Flanders and getting around in what looks to be one of Batman's prototype suits; minus the trademark ears, of course. Nicolas Cage is weird and I didn't like his performance; I rarely do. In my opinion, you should only ever cast Nicolas Cage if you're shooting a Nicolas Cage bio pic and you can't find a look-alike. I'm awaiting the role that will change my mind.

"If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it..."

Red Mist   is another costumed adolescent, and is played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse   a.k.a. McLovin   . Good luck living that role down, Chris. Inspired by Kick-Ass' heroism, Red Mist steels his spotlight by performing an impressive, crime-busting feat of his own. In classic superhero fashion, the two pair up to cruise around in the Ricer Mobile, car-dance to Gnarls Barkley and smoke pot. No Joke. In the comic, Red Mist sports a snazzy red number and is reasonably agile and athletic. In the movie, he dresses like an emo on his way to a KISS concert and is completely unthreatening. Christopher does a good job; in fact, it's the most serious I've been able to take him. It's just that I don't like the Red Mist he's portraying.

"Stop texting while I’m talking to you, asshole."

In case you are somehow still unaware, let me tell you that this film is violent; very, very, violent. Not throughout, but there are scenes that will have you aghast at the unbridled carnage. It's like watching a show reel of live-action Mortal Kombat fatalities. There's also a first-person sequence where someone wearing night vision goggles predators a bunch of mobsters. For the record: It looks like shit.

Dear film makers,
Please stop attempting FPS style scenes in your movies. It confuses me because I don't know whether to laugh out loud or cry. Also: Everybody enjoys boobs. Just say'n.
~Shufti~

That said, Matthew Vaughn does a great job directing and the choreography of the action sequences was very nice.

To be fair, comparing movie and comic book incarnations of Kick-Ass is more of an exercise in curiosity than actual scrutiny given their simultaneous production. Unlike the Watchman or Sin City films, where there was already a well established fan base before production began, the film rights to Kick-Ass were sold before the first issue was even published. Mark Miller wrote the synopsis and from that, went to work on the comic with John Romita Jr. while Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman wrote the screenplay. So the movie is not so much "based on the comic of the same name" as it is "created in tandem with the comic". The process was highly collaborative which is apparent by just how similar certain aspects of the final products are. Some conversations and sequences are perfect translations of each other. However, there are also many dramatic differences, most of which I cannot discuss without a detour through Spoiler Town. Here are a few differences I can point out: In the comic, Kick-Ass is awesome, but in the movie, he's a total fag.
The comic's main focus is on of Dave Lizewski's character, where as the movie is an over-rated tub of wank.
Both the comic and the movie are narrated. It's just a shame that in the movie you have to listen to Aaron Johnson's voice.

"Execute Operation Cannon Fodder."

One of the many annoying moments in the film is when Hit-Girl is pinned down behind some cover and out of ammo. She sits there helplessly even though she has a goddamn flash grenade pinned to her chest. She could have just tossed that little get-out-of-a-jam free card and gained the upper hand, but she doesn't end up ever using it.
Something else that shit me was when one of Frank D'Amico's flunkies manages to snap a partial photo of a blurry Big Daddy. You can pretty much only make out the black costume and yellow utility belt. When D'Amico sees it, he immediately assumes that it's Kick-Ass in the photo and that it must be Kick-Ass who's dispatching his men and disrupting his dodgy dealings. He then tries to call his best guys to take Kick-Ass out, but fails because he's mistaken the banana on the table for a phone.

Chin up. At least they’re not electro-shocking your balls.

All of the costumes in the movie look cheesy and camp when compared to those in the comic which demonstrates how the movie has, in my opinion, missed the point. This is supposed to be a realistic take on what would happen if a kid ever acted out his fantasy of being a super hero, not some teen comedy with action and violence thrown in for good measure. The humour in the comic is far more subtle too. While watching this in the cinema, I felt like the only person trying to take it seriously. People actually laughed went Dave got hit by a car. Who are these sadists?

I feel this movie should have gone one way or the other: ultra violent, action-fest or teen comedy, superhero piss-take. But what we have here is the rape baby of Mr. Fantastic Four Movie and Mrs Kick-Ass Comic. (Please rephrase in a way that doesn't include the term "rape baby". - Ed) Just because something is unrealistic, doesn't mean that it can't be dramatic. Kill Bill, anyone? Just thinking of what Tarantino could have done with this makes me need a cushion.

Maybe I'm getting old, but this movie feels like it's pandering to gen Y retards.⁺A tautology, I know.  Nothing shits me more that pandering; unless, of course, I'm the one being pandered to. Can't have too much of that.
In the end, Kick-Ass is a solid film. It's just not my kind of film and after reading the graphic novel, I'm even more disappointed with the direction it took. My own disappointment aside, it has enough enjoyable moments and some genuine laughs to be had out loud.⁺There's got to be a faster way of saying that.  It's definitely a good movie, just not a great one.

I'm giving Kick-Ass a score of three severed limbs out of five.

If graphic novel and movie duality turns you on, then I highly recommend the following film and comic pairings: Watchmen, 300, Sin City

BONUS: If all my worship of the comic form of Kick-Ass has made you interested in reading it, then I have some good news for you: I'm giving away a copy of the graphic novel. Simply leave a comment to be in the running then check back in a week or so. Caution: Reading the graphic novel will make you feel dirty for ever liking the movie.⁺I forgive you.